HE is Big Enough

Two days ago, I discovered the severity of the cancer that one of my oldest friends faced, someone had used the word "terminal" in an email to me. I couldn't tell you what the rest of the email said because immediately my brain and heart shut down. my very first thought was anger. Anger at God who was taking ANOTHER friend of mine from this Earth. Then came the bitterness. The bitterness that He could have the "nerve" to do this to our community again, having only lost Michael 5 months ago. Names popped into my head of people who had already passed away from my class. With each name recited, more anger and bitterness grew. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, and above all, I DIDN'T want to turn to God. So many good things were happening in my life right now, God was showing up in HUGE ways with divine encounters and a deeper understanding of who He is and what He is all about. Why would He let something bad happen right now, when I was just starting to trust Him again?! I talked to my dad on the phone, crying (more like sobbing) searching for answers... answers that won't be answered until the day I see Jesus face to face. Getting off the phone with him I had to get out of the house, had to go some where. Not knowing where I was going but thinking I'd end up at the beach, I put on my bathing suit and packed all my books about God (including my Bible) into my back pack. I just started driving and found myself on Coronado Island. (where it costs 10 bucks to park at the beach but the silence of not having many people around is worth a million dollars!) Over the next three hours I cried, talked to Jesus (because I was to mad to talk to God), and read. I have learned, throughout my other heavy grief moments in my life, that God is big enough to take my anger. So I let Him have it, I poured it all out. He then began revealing things in the beauty and the vastness of the beach, in His word, and in the current book I was reading (John Calvin and His Passion for the Majesty of God by John Piper). Including:

"The Lord has certainly inflicted a severe and bitter wound in the death of our baby son. But He is Himself and Father and knows best what is good for His children."
"Whether we want him to be there of not, he is there. We do not negotiate what we want for reality. God defines reality."
"...You do not believe me? If you want me to protect you, learn to believe what I say." Isaiah 7:9
"...How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough th be his counselor?...For everything comes from him; everything exists by his power and is intended for his glory. To him be glory evermore. Amen." Romans 11:33-36

He began comforting me, even when I really wanted nothing to do with Him. I also realized, over the course of the day, that I hadn't lost this friend yet!! He was still here and he was still alive!! I had to stop acting like God had already taken him from me and start living like his survival depended on prayer, true pleading prayer. I had gotten caught up in the selfishness of "O Lord, why another friend of MINE", instead of pleading at the feet of God for my friend who needed a miracle. So at this point, I'm still sad and hurt that another friend of mine is suffering but God is big enough, He can handle that frustration. But I refuse to let those negative feelings get in the way of pleading for the life of my friend. God is big enough to take my anger and He's also big enough to heal. If healing isn't in His plans, I will cross that bridge when I come to it, and trust God even when I don't understand. For now, I will live in the present, and lift up my friend's name every single chance I get!

xoxo, va